Info - Newsletters
Newsletter #1
That's news (World-wide Ed.):
Thousands of toddlers under the age of twelve have been told to 'grow up now, or look at this clown, come on kids, look at its face, its fading, look at it. Hurry up, look at it. It's fading, make the most of it come on, it's fading... come on, you're too late and that's what happens...'
The man responsible for all this claims that it, 'teaches children and youngsters and babies an important lesson about what can happen if you really put your mind to it' Incidentally, he is the same man who brains the whole London Congestion Charges thing and the myth about the swan and the broken arm. You decide. That's what you're here for.
That's news (UK Ed.):
A new initiative will see smokers operating 'fag-share' schemes on Britain's high streets from as early as nine o'clock in the morning, this year. It is hoped that offering to 'go twos' on a colleague's cigarette will ease congestion at major bottlenecks including Surrey and Hampshire.
A pilot scheme was been undertaken outside Hewlett Packard's headquarters in Crackhell last April when a record twelve workers 'set' fags to complete strangers and family friends. Police described the scene alongside the busy A33 as, 'barking mad, we've never seen so many youngsters getting involved in what is, essentially, office politics and quite frankly, very dangerous.'
The government is hoping this behaviour will catch on and that one day, discarded cigarettes will not been allowed to burn, wastefully at the side of the road like a gypsy's caravan.
That's enough for you, sweetie-Darlington news in focus:
Regular sex and money grabbing chain-store, Ann Summers has been banned from setting up it's spicy signs and certified a censored relief paradox after claims were made by locals that the very idea of a branch opening in Darlington's high street was simply 'too sexy by juxtaposition'.
'The last thing we want is hordes of old men and women, meandering around Superdrug and Clinton's Cards brandishing erections. It's a sensitive subject and the last thing anyone needs is another Superdrug full of young, girlie staff, sanitary products and cream.'
Environment news:
Scientists in Germany claim that our planet's future is in Jeopardy and unless we all come to terms with this soon, our very existence will become routinely depressing and repetitive. 'Imagine a world in which everything we know and value is replicated digitally, where our culture and interests are dictated by huge global media corporations and people are forced to work in offices to propel this disorientating system.'
The positive side to the scientists' accumulated work is that now we know exactly where Jeopardy lies, about twenty-five cosmonauts from Jupiter. Provided NASA keeps their beaks out of it, we may just survive.