Info - Newsletters
Newsletter #2
That's News: (UK Ed.)
The unlikely birth place of the West Midlands, the town of Halesowen, has been named the 'jewel in the corn' at this month's 'Britain in Bloom: Festival of Ideas Festival'. Some ideas were shunned immediately but most received endless praise for their ingenuity and coward shrinking. Some locals even had ideas of their own and presented them personally. Others came dressed in Velcro and Dyson's Xerox Hoovers, whilst a few paraded around in Sellotape and Jeeps but it has to be said, nearly everyone missed the point completely.
This year's event, of course, marks the 30th anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day face mask, which started life as a bad idea but quickly fractured into many pieces and spread throughout popular culture. This is probably because participation in the Americanese festival, Halloween, has been forbidden in Halesowen ever since the awful branding mistake by Guy Fawke's Gifts and Kardz years ago, and for obvious reasons.
The popularity of Valentine's facials has grown each year and many have said that there is nothing more satisfying than the look of surprise on a Valentine's face-mask. Critics have argued that the visage contained within the mask should count for what matters but ask anyone in Halesowen and they'll tell you what's important, you depraved idiot.
That's News: (Worldwide Ed.)
The same mistake has been made twice in Tel Aviv this Israel. Locals have complained that it is the second time this has happened in as many second time this has happened in as many seconds and that bad journalism is, 'just bad press'.
In other news, some guy was caught eating steak out of a tin, I didn't even know you could buy tinned steak and if I did know that, I certainly wouldn't run about telling all my friends to microwave it. Officials have advised the public to 'Have your steak and eat it.'
Environment News:
Rock 'n' Roll band, Guns 'n' Roses have been named as America's greatest asset to the 'Fight against Clouds 'n' Terror' (F.A.C.T.)
The links between International Terrorism (I.T.) and the threat of climate change have never been more flatulently obvious. Ever since the public fury outrage of 9/11, when thousands gathered in New York City to watch the filming of King Kong, finding their view obscured by cloud cover and terrorism, feelings have only gotten stronger and evidence has mounded up on top of it.
So responsibility rests with Axel Rose and his band, whose awareness campaigns of late have included raising the dead for charity, raising money for the dead and raising the roof of every arena in the United States and the United Kingdom of States, here in the good ol' US of K, Great England.
'We're really pleased and so is everyone else and that's all that matters when you're in charge of the world', bawled Axel at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. However it is reported his mood hardened to a grey pulpy rock when the roof raised itself mechanically and the atmosphere escaped into the atmosphere.
Business News:
Vampires- nobody likes them and everyone hates them but what about the bigger picture? Re-Vamp is a successful home-furnishings brand that has been filling up otherwise empty living rooms in Ikea stores for the last two-hundred and fifty years.
Their contract with Ikea was the result of a lucky merger in December 1749, when a corporate stagecoach was intercepted on a highway near Wosselh?im, Deutschmark. It is said that a mist descended over the vicinity and the driver lost control of his ditch just in time to save the company's life. After a quick and painless branch meeting in the forest, feelings were axed, negotiations were made and a partnership was forged in stone for all eternity.
Today, the company is responsible for over a hundred per cent of the tables and chairs sitting around in residential areas.
The key to Re-Vamp's recent success in the well-dressed, fussy UK market has been actively disguising the company's roots in vampirism, an ever-controversial topic. Luckily the fears have outgrown the scares and now the public are so afraid, they can but sit rigid in armchairs, anticipating but never quite arriving because the room is static and no one is going anywhere.